Thursday, March 8, 2012

Must Haves For a Good Witchy Life, Hubba, Hubba, Hubby

My Darlings ... for the next three weeks, I will be posting nice little spells for you to use to improve your life all in honour of the US release on March 27, 2012 (and Canadian paperback, April 10) of my beautiful new novel THE THIRTEEN.

Enjoy, and of course, it's all in the name of Entertainment ... or is it?


The Use of Everyday Materials
In Common Spells

From the Big Book of Spells Ladies of Haven Wood

Today’s spell is From the section entitled Ambition and Material Success

Oh the men in our lives. Handsome, kind, successful, pliable. They can be the perfect addition to your perfectly appointed home, your perfectly manicured yard, your perfectly toned, creamed, scented, sculpted body.

Because we look good for our age. Also any age. Isn’t that right girls?

When your man first comes on the scene, he’s perfect just the way he is. He just needs a little nudging, a little tweaking, a little encouragement. Very time-consuming. Just start here, and it will move a little faster. It’s like technology. You want the version to keep getting better. Who wants yesterday’s gadget?

For this you will need a photo of your charming, lovely family, sans said man. (If you don’t know what sans means, be sure to look up “Paris, Italy, Spain and finding the Ladies Room,” to make the words trip off your pretty pink tongue.)

Hubby eats, does he not?

Spell for An Ambitious Partner

Also known as: Mama Wants a Much Bigger House.

You will need:

·      Bergamot
·      A nice liver—the most loyal creature in the animal kingdom is the lowly dog. But most liver will do.
·      Onion, sherry, pepper, rosemary—whatever you can find to cover the taste.
·      Food processor, or if you’re a Neanderthal, a blender.
·      Your good china
·      A very good wine, save the cheap stuff for the block party, darling—and you won’t fool me.
·      Family photo, and a tiny copy of same—remember, very important, sans hubby. Can’t have it be all about him.

We’re all comfortable in the kitchen. Cook the tiny liver with the sherry and bergamot. Be sparing with the bergamot, as it is not very healthy in large doses and no hubby defeats the whole purpose, doesn’t it? Chop remaining ingredients, add it to the food processor—I love my food processor. Absolutely essential on Bridge night. Also into the food processor, the last item, the tiny, paper photo of his loving family.

Set it to HIGH and blend the shit out of it.

Serve the resulting pate with tiny, tiny crackers, candlelight, good wine and soft, kind words. As he eats … you can say:

Oh my darling how you provide for us. You provide for us so well. (insert a small nudge, such as): How is the Penderson Account? You’re a star.

Frame the family photo and be sure to put it on his desk. His side of the bed. His desk in the den.

You won’t see him for awhile, with all those long hours, so be sure to text him once in awhile, so he know you’re thinking of him.

Love how you provide for us, my darling. C u l8r xox










Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Must Haves for a Good Witchy Life

My Darlings ... for the next three weeks, I will be posting nice little spells for you to use to improve your life all in honour of the US release on March 27, 2012 (and Canadian paperback, April 10) of my beautiful new novel THE THIRTEEN.

Enjoy, and of course, it's all in the name of Entertainment ... or is it?






The Use of Everyday Materials
In Common Spells

From the Big Book of Spells Ladies of Haven Wood

Today’s spell is From the section entitled Health and Beauty

Was it Scarlett O’Hara’s mother who said, “You can always tell a lady by her hands …?” This is just as true now as it was after the Civil War.

The Ladies of Haven Wood have a certain standard of beauty that must be kept high. We pride ourselves on always looking perfectly put together, whatever our fashion sense. (For instance, no one has ever prevented Glory from wearing florals, in spite of the fact that they DO NOT flatter her figure).

That said, well-tended fingernails are an essential.

They should be long. And sharp.

Spell for Long Nails

Also known as: Here, Kitty, Kitty, Kitty.

You will need:

·      A few hairs from a cat—your own is best, and keep your mind out of the gutter; we are ladies.

·      A yellow candle—made from tarrow is best, but unless you’re making those yourself, and who has the time? Find a reasonable substitute.

·      Photo of an irritation—the person in front of you on the cell phone, speaking unfashionably loudly, for instance, or a vid cap from a car commercial.

·      A droplet of blood—best not your own, but someone who needs a good … blooding.

This is a ladie’s room spell. Take your treasures into your personal freshening room, preferably in a glass bowl. I use a Pyrex, the 4-qt, clear glass with the lid. It’s fabulous! I got it at Lakewood Mall before it had its … situation. I bet use it every other day for bread, cakes, little fires—I swear, Pyrex is the new cauldron!

The Spell

In your lady’s quarters, dim the lights. Photo of the irritation goes on the bottom of the bowl, image upright. Drop each ingredient on to the photo separately, imaging how deep your nails to could sink into the flesh of the irritation, how quiet they would become (after screaming).

Light your candle. Allow 10 drops of wax to hit your lovely mixture at the bottom of the (fireproof) bowl, one for each, lovely, fingernail.

As each bit of wax hits its mark, sing-song, happily:

“Ten little fingers, each so sweet/nails that kill, so very neat”

When this is complete, set fire to the photo, and all will burn. Watch the flames and while it all turns to ash, think CAT.

Remember to smile. It confuses people.

Oh look at my nails … rowr. And I don’t mean “Meow.”





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